Reading leads to thinking

Ugh it's 3:30am and I'm sitting here kinda stressed out about work, I hate closing alone. If anything goes wrong it's in me and I don't do we'll with that type of responsibilities. Oh well I guess. So I'm re reading 50 shades for like the fourth time. Why can't like be like a book, everything starts hunky Dorey something major happens and boom happy for the rest if our lives. To bad life is less creative than that. Lets see, nothing major has happened, just busy working 6 to 7 day a weeks like everyone else in the lower middle class. Busting my ass for minimum wage barely making ends meet. Thinking about a baby, mainly because I already know its damn near impossible for me to get pregnant. Maybe that's why I want a baby so bad, because i know its likely to never happen.  Why is it that what we most desire is something we cannot have? Why do I desire long nights of no sleep for months? Why do I welcome the smell of dirty diapers? Because I want a part or him to be mine forever. Because if anything should happen, should he deploy and not come back, half of him will forever be with me, but with my awesome luck in life that is not likely to happen, at least not without drowning in medical bills for fertility treatments. Oh well, life sucks and I got the shirt end I the stuck in both sides of the gene pool.  Ok night time I suppose. Laters 

Don't Worry, It Will Soon Pass, Whatever It Is

So far all I've written is doom and gloom. I talked to my husband about He Who Must Not Be Named lol We agreed that its not a big deal, and probably something that comes along with being married so young. I suppose we will miss out on a lot of things since we got married at 19. I mean we've gone to a strip club together, not the best idea lol We partied like normal 19 and 20 year olds early in our marriage, but we both got bored with that quick. I might sound like a snob, but I'm ok with that because this is my opinion. We got tired of it because we got tired of surrounding ourselves with people who do nothing but smoke and drink all day. Do not misunderstand me, I have smoked weed, and at the time it was fun, now I am kinda over it. I drink, and so does my husband. However, We don't see the need to drink every weekend and get completely wasted every time we drink. We like to drink and enjoy ourselves. And best of all, we like to remember what we did. Anyway, this is not what I had intended to write about haha. Recently things have been a little tense between us, he leaves for work when I am asleep, I leave for work when he is on his way home. When he arrives home, I am still at work. By the time I am off from work and finally get home, He is asleep. So quality time happens on my one maybe two days off, and those are usually weekdays so we go out to dinner once a week and this is really taking a big toll on us. Hopefully it gets easier :) But Thankfully, I have this Saturday off, which is Family day at this work, so we can spend the entire day together and I finally get to see his workplace and meet his co workers. I am so excited for Saturday :) But because I have that day off, I can't see my little sister on her birthday which is a total bummer, Hopefully I can make it up to her next week. Oh, i turn 21 in a month!!! <3 YAY! Gnight

Confused...

I can't seem to stop thinking about him, and him is not my husband.... He is just some guy i fooled around with 3 years ago, someone i knew just wanted one thing, someone i knew would never take me serious, someone i was head over heels for long before he noticed me. Someone who cut me out of his life as soon as i told him i didn't like something  he was doing while we were fooling around. Someone who i can't stop thinking about or dreaming about. Someone who isn't even in my life, he is just on my instagram feed. Why can't i stop thinking of what my life could've been if i had given him what he wanted? Would he have taken me serious then? would he have actually dated me instead of just having me as a booty call? I wish i had the answers to all my questions but i know i won't get them and even if i do get them it wouldn't change anything. I love my husband and i would never leave my husband for some ass hat who just wants to get laid. i just find it frustrating that i can't stop thinking about him, hopefully its just a phase thing.

What's Sleep?

Ugh i hate that its to difficult for me to sleep at night yet i can sleep the day away...
I come home late from work, my husband get home while im at work, when he is home, i work most of the day. i even work on my days off, and its not even a good job, i work a shit job at a  fast food place because nothing else seems to want to hire me no matter how much i check up on it. My husband will be up and getting ready for work in half an hour. In half an hour ill probably be going to bed. I think we only cuddle and sleep at the same time,  once a week. It makes me feel like shit knowing that he wants me in his arms yet i cant do it, i lay there for hours staring at the wall wanting to sleep and not being able to. What is wrong with me... I need help, to bad i can't afford it.

7 Months

Its been 7 months since my marriage hit rock bottom. Its been 7 months on working to regain each others trust. I've put it behind me, i know we both made mistakes that were bound to happen at one point or another in my marriage. When you've only been with one person, intimately, temptation is a little easier to give into. And we bith succumed to it. Even though our trust is getting there, and its at 95%, the nightmares haven't stopped. He thinks they have but they haven't. Its 3am and I'm scared to sleep. 7 months of sleepless nights. 7 months of nightmares. 7 months of waking up crying, 7 months of constant panic attacks on an almost nightly basis. 7 months of putting up a confidant front. 7 months that will become a lifetime of hurting if this isn't put to bed and soon. I check his phone, i read his emails, i look at his internet history. How is that trust? its not... Its something an insecure little girl does. Something that I do. Something he has never done. Why is it that he can move on and let go and i can't? Why is it that no matter how much i love him and no matter how much i try, its still on the back of my mind. Isn't that why i started writing? so i could vent freely and let things go?? Why is it that 7 months ago i was judged for drinking, and why is it that i wasnt allowed to scream in agony? why wasn't i allowed to express how i felt. The answer to that is simple. I am in their home, i hurt their baby, so who gives a shit about what i felt or feel. Not them, thats for damn sure. I can cry on a nightly basis but that wont do anything but worry him. So  many years of fighting so hard to not be the person i was. and all i want to do is feel the cold blade on my warm skin. all i want is to feel the numb feeling to spread throughout my body. I dont want to feel anymore, but at the same time, this feeling of love is why im still here. His warm embrace, his soft lips, his empowering love and confidence in me, his unconditional love. 7 months of regrets, 7 months of not being the wife i should be, 7 months wasted on the past. 7 months no more.

Intoductions

I'm Brii. I am 20, weeks from 21. Married for almost 2 years now. I am a typical 20 year old. Not quite a full adult but no longer an odd teenager. I am still very insecure, i am still awkward around people, i am still trying to find my place in this world. I am a fat, short, mexican, white washed, person. My default radio station is country. I am into some geeky things. I don't fit in with my mexican family because i'm not mexican enough, i don't fit in with my white friends because i'm not white. My spanish kinda sucks and it scares me to death that my children won't speak spanish because i'm losing mine. I cant remember the last time my husband and i slept together at the same time. I cant remember the last time i felt good about myself. I can't remember the last time my husband and i made love. I can't remember the last time i felt like we were happy. I can't remember the last time we didn't fight. I can't remember who i am. I used to have friends, i used to party, i used to drink, smoke and have fun. I used to talk to everyone on a daily basis, i always had something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see. but now all i do is sleep, eat, clean and work. I see mu husband for 4 hours a day like once a week, other than that, he is asleep when i get home from work or something else happens. WHO AM I?!?! thats my question......