7 Months

Its been 7 months since my marriage hit rock bottom. Its been 7 months on working to regain each others trust. I've put it behind me, i know we both made mistakes that were bound to happen at one point or another in my marriage. When you've only been with one person, intimately, temptation is a little easier to give into. And we bith succumed to it. Even though our trust is getting there, and its at 95%, the nightmares haven't stopped. He thinks they have but they haven't. Its 3am and I'm scared to sleep. 7 months of sleepless nights. 7 months of nightmares. 7 months of waking up crying, 7 months of constant panic attacks on an almost nightly basis. 7 months of putting up a confidant front. 7 months that will become a lifetime of hurting if this isn't put to bed and soon. I check his phone, i read his emails, i look at his internet history. How is that trust? its not... Its something an insecure little girl does. Something that I do. Something he has never done. Why is it that he can move on and let go and i can't? Why is it that no matter how much i love him and no matter how much i try, its still on the back of my mind. Isn't that why i started writing? so i could vent freely and let things go?? Why is it that 7 months ago i was judged for drinking, and why is it that i wasnt allowed to scream in agony? why wasn't i allowed to express how i felt. The answer to that is simple. I am in their home, i hurt their baby, so who gives a shit about what i felt or feel. Not them, thats for damn sure. I can cry on a nightly basis but that wont do anything but worry him. So  many years of fighting so hard to not be the person i was. and all i want to do is feel the cold blade on my warm skin. all i want is to feel the numb feeling to spread throughout my body. I dont want to feel anymore, but at the same time, this feeling of love is why im still here. His warm embrace, his soft lips, his empowering love and confidence in me, his unconditional love. 7 months of regrets, 7 months of not being the wife i should be, 7 months wasted on the past. 7 months no more.